Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Way Things Are

It seems like an eternity since I've been on here, almost a month. In dog years, that's like... seven months. An eternity.

Things have happened since then, great things, not-so-great things, and things so inconceivably wonderful that I have to keep questioning whether or not they're actually real.

I have my own business now with ACN, and it's taking off like a rocket. I don't spend enough time on it, (the folks see it as a hobby or passing phase and can't imagine why I'd ever want to leave J.C. Penney's, my current place of employ) but I hope to rectify that problem as soon as possible. You can't imagine the joy and fulfilment you receive from working towards your own dreams, and not those of your boss. It's already taken me to Las Vegas (a city which I no longer loathe, but look forward to my next visit) and Detroit (where I was blessed with the opportunity of meeting the founders and many other successful people whom I've started to emulate). Next year it will take me to many more places, including California, Hawaii and a number of vacations to Europe.

In the past while, I have finally learned what it is to trust. It is liberating and gratifying to not have to fear the pain of rejection. I've found happiness and fulfilment in a most unlikely place, in fact the last place I thought that I could find it at this juncture.

I've never been more happy to be proven wrong.
More later.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Your Pain Shall Set You Free?

Castigation (from the Latin castigatio), chastisement (via the French ch√Ętiment), or chiding is the infliction of severe (moral or corporal) punishment. One who administers a castigation is a castigator or chastiser.
In earlier times, castigation specifically meant restoring one to a religiously pure state, called chastity. In ancient Rome, it was also a term for the magistrate called a censor (in the original sense, rather than the later politicized evolution), who castigated in the name of the pagan state religion but with the authority of the 'pious' state.
In Christian times, this terminology was adopted but roughly restricted to the physical sphere: chastity became a matter of approved sexual conduct, castigation usually meaning physical punishment, either as a form of penance, as a voluntary pious exercise(mortification of the flesh) or as educational or other coercion, while the use for other (e.g. verbal) punishments (and criticism etc.) is now often perceived as metaphorical.
Self-castigation is applied by the repentant culprit to himself, for moral and/or religious reasons, notably as penance.

-Wikipedia Online Encyclopedia

I find myself returning over and over to the truth that it is a punishment, which would mean that it is issued in direct result of a sin, often willingly by the sinner himself... and I cannot understand why I did last night what I did, or if it were even the right thing to do. I broke my own heart deliberately and completely and I cannot find the pieces because they are so far away, and I let down the trust and confidence of my best friend, lying to her when I said that I could, indeed, remain her friend and give her my continued support.

But it hurt so bad. It was unbearable. And now it is so much worse because, for once, I woke up knowing I can never go back and tell her I'm sorry, that I didn't mean it, and that now I have complete control over myself, and that I would lose a limb to fire and not take back my word. I have lost myself my best friend, and deliberately, too, with forethought and unyielding execution. I have trampled myself into the dust, removed from myself my most constant and reliable shoulder I have ever had to lean upon, severed myself from my most valued confidante, the one with whom I have no secrets and who didn't mind my mistakes.

I wish I had not done it. I wish I had kept on alone, sticking through the pain like I always have, holding to that slim hope of a future when everything was the way I dreamed it could. I need her more than I ever knew.


On a parting note, I find it ironic how the only other link from Wikipedia's article on "castigation" was for "capital punishment"...

That's all there is.


Tuesday, August 5, 2008

J'y suis, j'y reste

It needs a purpose, I've decided. Nothing in life can get very far without a sense of purpose, a reason for existence. Animals in the wild have it down the best, I suppose: live for life's sake, and for life be content. Their purpose, their calling within its Sphere, is upheld perfectly. And yet, here we are along with them, making wonderful fools of ourselves in our attempts to become the kings (and queens, to my lovely female compatriots) of our own castles, which by way of pure, doctrinal understanding, have never been nor ever will be "ours".

This splendid delusion, indeed the entire natural instinct to which we may point all fingers of blame, is why I am writing this blog. In clarification, the purpose of this specific blog on this specific date is to find a purpose for this specific blog. The viciousness of it rocks me.

Ah, and how wise and knowledgeable I have managed to make myself sound thus far. Don't for a minute believe it. Instead, believe this:

"We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact." - Jean Paul Sartre

Ah! And with that the purpose is found. Welcome, dear reader, to my Pursuit. And what is it that I am pursuing? A great many things, with many more unknown to me. I know a few of them. I pursue Fulfillment and Understanding, the ability and inclination to Love myself and, especially, others, more freely, more truly and more meaningfully, and likewise the Humility of allowing myself to be loved in return. I pursue Honor and Loyalty, Purity of mind and heart, and Honesty with myself, my loved, and my God. I pursue His Favor, and to Earn that which has already been offered me.

This is the purpose, this is the fact: to Find and Appreciate the love in my life.

More later. I've a call to make.